I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
