he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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