Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize