I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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