a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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