Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
