its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
