i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
