I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
