i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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