life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
