my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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