a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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