her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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