last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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