My friends, they love my intelligence
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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