The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
