Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
