is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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