I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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