You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
