I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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