why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We left the knife in your bed.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We are all done wearing pants today
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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