I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
