Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
