My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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