we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
