He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
