How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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