The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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