My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
