he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
