She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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