so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
