Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
