uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
