I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
