Who did Billy Mays play for?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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