don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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