Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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