____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
