I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
