The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
