Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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