Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
