toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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