i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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