shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
