And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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