please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
