I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
