ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
