I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
