just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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