Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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