is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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