Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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