Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
